Let me start off by stating that this is not the post that I wanted to write.
The post that I wanted to write would probably surprise a lot of people; maybe upset a few people who know me rather well to know how low I’m feeling; many people may simply be indifferent, the worst reaction of all.
Currently I am sat tucked away on the corner of my bed, pressed against the wall, the keyboard is on my knees, the mouse is on the floor somewhere. Evanescence’s My Immortal is playing rather loudly, too loudly perhaps, but fuck it, if I’m going to feel like I do, then I’m going to do it properly. Today was the day that I realised that I’m starting to slip.
Worry not, I am not about to have a meltdown through the pages of my blog, I am not that silly, and I think that London has enough gossip to keep it churning over for years to come without me adding to it in any small way. The side of me that I always ensure that people see is the happy, camp, carefree one; only two people have ever been permitted to see the real me, to know my insecurities, share in my thoughts and fears, and neither of those people are particularly close to me anymore. I need to learn to start letting down my guard a bit more with certain people, but I am scared that if I do, I will end up getting hurt eventually. It’s a vicious circle.
After a fun and busy weekend, today was probably the worst mental come-down I have had in a long time. I’ve not really spoken to anyone today, instead just sitting quietly at work and getting on with things. Nobody seemed to question it or ask if I was alright, maybe they didn’t notice, maybe they did and didn’t want to pry, who knows. I left on time tonight, first time in a long while, though I was in at 8am.
Walking through Leicester Square and whilst on the tube, all I seemed to get was people barging into me, shouting in my face, hitting me across the head with their bags, their hands, invading my space. I really felt as if nobody could see me, or if they could, that I was insignificant to them and that they were almost ‘better’ than I.
Thus the reason why this post is entitled Mr Cellophane, a reference to the song from the musical Chicago. I have reproduced a few lines of lyric below…
If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You’d notice him
If someone in the movie show
Yelled “Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!”
You’d notice him
And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there…
I say that, there was a lovely moment on the tube when a lady opposite me leaned across and tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I’d like to read her copy of the newspaper. Not in a crazy lady kind of way, but in a nice, kind stranger kind of way. After a day devoid of emotion, it was kinda nice to finally be acknowledged, even if I didn’t want to read a silly free newspaper.
I am hoping that I start to feel more positive as the evening wears on. Focusing on the positives, I have Skins to watch tonight, might do Ku tomorrow night, and Stu from Thingbox has suggested we meet up again this weekend – so things could be a lot worse I guess…
Thanks for reading; if you’ve gotten this far, it really does mean a lot to me, and please don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll be fine in the coming days – honest xx
Gari Wellingham 
Its an asset to yourself that you are able to express yourself so eloquently and although you are hestitant to let down your guard, you venture (and are able to venture) further than many in expressing the fact that you have insecurities.
I empathise with your desire to immerse yourself in feeling low – to turn up the emotive music – because in so doing you are in fact letting down the barriers and releasing your feelings. Thus in a sense, you are recognising them, accepting them and dealing with them. You are cognisant, perhaps without having the name for it, of cognitive behavioural therapy. You know when to let your emotions out, and you have found things to look forward to. We all have low points – in fact we depend on them to ground us in reality – to enable us to cope as the independent individuals we are or aspire to be. And yet, we will rebound from the ‘x’ axis and at future junctures we will all jump to new heights of hapiness along the ‘y’. Indeed feeling low at times will enable us appreciate hapiness more. Hapiness at other times becomes, thereby, spiced up – it becomes euphoric, sublime or ecstatic, as all the great thinkers, inventors, artists, writers, musicians will attest.
London, as you know, is perhaps unfortunately rather an impersonal libertarian metropolis – in a sense the most urban of urbs – and I expect less attention-giving and friendly than Manchester. It is also, of course multinational, multicultural, multiracial, polysexual and thus tolerant if not accepting (tolerance is passive and acceptance active), but – as you write – indifferant for it. This is simply how tube journeys are normalised to be – hectic, unsympathetic, combative even, yet when you arrive at your destination, wherever you are going, you can rest assured that your friends materialise positive liberty.
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Wow. That was a really good comment Alex; I don’t quite know how to respond to it. You seem to have addressed everything so well and eloquently and the comment in itself has really made me smile and lifted my spirits. You should have gone into psychotherapy rather than law I think!!
I am feeling a little brighter today, not by a great deal, but I’ve had a significantly better day at work and am looking forward to Ku tonight as I feel that interaction will help an awful lot. Hope to see you there if you’re going.
Thanks again for posting such a fabulous comment. Gx
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